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Really Bad Jokes

 
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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 3:11 pm    Post subject: Really Bad Jokes Reply with quote

    One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

    Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one. "My wife," the man replied.

    "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

    "My dog bit her and she died."

    Dave was taken aback. "And who's in the second hearse?"

    "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."

    Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"

    "Get in line."

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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 3:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

    "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

    Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

    "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

    "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

    "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

    Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.

    Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

    The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

    The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

    Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

    The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

    The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 3:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play.

    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

    Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

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Brad
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Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 1030
Location: Channahon, IL, USA

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Victor,

Who else knows some funny jokes? Post them here. We could all use a good laugh! Laughing

Brad
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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
    dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start
    out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in
    the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
    upstairs to chase the dog out.

    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains
    to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my
    mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

    "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed
    and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then
    I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting
    me as I hauled her a*s downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She
    better not crap in the vegetable garden again either!"

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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Roy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

    Well, Roy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Roy. The farmer takes Roy home and sets him down in the barnyard. He gave the rooster a pep talk, "Roy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I'll need you to do a good job.. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

    Roy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Roy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Roy nails every hen in the hen house -- three or four times-- and the farmer is really shocked.

    After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Roy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Roy after a flock of geese. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Roy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

    Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Roy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Roy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

    Roy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer...

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A righteous man regards the life of his animal
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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

    The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

    "Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

    But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

    She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

    He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

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Brad
Site Admin


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Posts: 1030
Location: Channahon, IL, USA

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fred, playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    2 deer hunters

    Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.

    The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.

    Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

    When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

    The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    4 deer hunters

    Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an ten-point buck.

    "Where's Billy Bob?"

    "Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

    "You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?"

    "A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one, in their right mind, is going to steal Billy Bob."

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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

    They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

    Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"

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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

    The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

    The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

    The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

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A righteous man regards the life of his animal
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catfreak



Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 147
Location: 42 miles east of Hell

PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

    A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of
    going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
    spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday
    night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
    hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

    Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like
    it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would
    be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and
    went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just
    enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Kevin



Joined: 28 Nov 2007
Posts: 42
Location: Ohio

PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 3:20 am    Post subject: Throw an Anchor Sir Reply with quote

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
Laughing
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